Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
