Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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