I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
