This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
