On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Randomize
