george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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