My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
