1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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