i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
