So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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