Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
