You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
