yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
