FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
