I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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