I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
