So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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