my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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