you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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