i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
