He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
