Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
