I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
