I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
