i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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