When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
