there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize