shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
