Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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