Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
