I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
