You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
