I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
