Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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