You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Randomize
