Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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