The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
