I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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