that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize