did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
