a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
