wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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