shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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