Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
