I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
