ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
