My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize