Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize