By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
