oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
