dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I fill condoms, not promises.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
