I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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