I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
it's like heaven, but drunker
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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