Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Semen is not good for contacts.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
