yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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