i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
