An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
